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Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Confessions of Hairy Man
As my late 20s morphed into my early 30s I’ve come to learn that Mother Nature is a real stick in the mud with a cruel sense of humor. I wasn’t exactly blessed with the best genes to begin with and now it seems what little I’m working with is slowly eroding.Case in point: my hair.I wouldn’t say I’m going bald, but there is a noticeable depreciation of assets on the top of my skull. There are still plenty of trees in the forest, per se, but now you can just see farther into the woods than you could before. I’m also starting to notice a few more hairs on the comb than what I used to, which tells me within a year or two that brush will look like a spear with a muskrat on the end of it.What makes this phenomenon even more head scratching is that in the meantime the rest of my body has learned to grow hair at an alarming rate. Like I’m a hairy human Chia pet. If the hair on my head is falling out, apparently it’s landing all over my body.I remember vividly getting six chest hairs at the age of 13 and thinking I was cool. Today I just grew six chest hairs in the last 4o seconds. At the age of 33 that shit is so thick you could lose a sandwich in there and not realize it for a week. Unless it has mayo on it. Then you might notice the smell after a couple days.And don’t get me started on the hair everywhere else. Did you know that I can grow a beard on my triceps easier than I can on my chin?Then there’s the back. I have quadrants there that are slowly starting to grow together. Like Pangea, only in reverse. I’m starting to wonder if the hairs on my back are actually just the other end of the hairs on my chest and that they’re just really long and run through me like the sticks in that game Kerplunk.Add all this together and suddenly I can see how man evolved from ape. We’ve lost the unnaturally long arms and the ability to swing from trees, but we’ve retained the love of scratching our asses and ridiculous amounts of body hair. Hell, if I ever completely shaved myself I’d end up with a total body five o’clock shadow. I could strip down naked and slide across a hardwood floor and smooth it out like I was a piece of 240 grit sandpaper.I do have one theory that I’m sticking to despite the fact I have no scientific evidence to suggest it’s true. I believe all your hair actually originates from your lower body (that’s why you have lots of hair on your legs from an early age.) That hair then grows up and up and eventually out your head.